Today’s post is going to be a mini-vent and commentary about a topic that I watch in the lives of myself and others.
It usually negatively affects relationships between two people by putting one person in the position of ‘power’ and the other one is more passive, small and frozen.
Do you love giving advice to others? I realize that some people are wired that way, however this post is about those who listen with the intent of picking either the words apart or to have a “teaching moment.”
Have you had the experience of feeling small because you allowed yourself to be “advised” when you were simply excited about something and wanted to share and instead of being received you had your words thrown back to you with suggestions on how to improve or do it better?
SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST NEED TO TALK THINGS OUT AND SHARE.
I realize that the majority of the unsolicited ‘advisors’ in this world have good intentions, but I wanted to put this out here to bring awareness to the fact that this behavior puts a wedge between the two.
The other person will either feel small and wrong and their enthusiasm will deflate, or they will feel lower than and almost like a child. They can also get pissed off and become reluctant to share anything of personal depth with that person. It blocks energy flow in my opinion.
I have had this experience many times in my life. I have been “coached” for free without my permission. I have even shared vulnerable things just to have them ‘solved’ by the yet to be hired coach who may see a teachable moment but neglects to ask a simple question,
“Would you like to hear a suggestion?”
“I have something to share that might help you,” or “Oooo, I have something that I really want to share, would you like feedback?”
This gives the person speaking to either tell them that they might like to hear it later, or that they are NOT open to suggestions now, or YES, therefore expecting an opinion or advice so they have a chance to listen openly and EXPECT it.
This is tact and etiquette. Clear and simple. If the person didn’t ask or hire you then try to restrain yourself and truly listen.
I recently had an experience where I was given such elementary advice that I found myself angry and even defensive.
I had asked this person for help with one thing, and I guess they thought I might want advice on all things related to my business.
She shared things I had practiced and known for years. It put a wedge between us and I decided not to work with her.
I have also had non-requested coaching sessions that were given with great intentions, but left me feeling less than, wrong, and flawed.
I have posted to discussion boards (not asking for advice) and received long replies correcting and advising me. To be honest, I scanned them and paid little attention to them, OR I read them and felt small.
I had a wonderful coach who taught me this through example. She would always ask if I was open to some coaching before she offered suggestions.
This was respectful and gave me choices and even empowered me so that I could take in what she was saying in a deeper way.
I was in several group coaching programs with her and it is my dream to one day work privately with her. I feel so safe with her simply because she actually listens to me.
I feel respected because she asks and she taught me to ask others before I spout my advice and opinions.
Sometimes I falter (and give advice) or go overboard with the asking before I advise. I believe this is because I am so sensitive to this. Also, we are all human...
ARE YOU THE KIND OF PERSON WHO ALWAYS HAS TO GIVE ADVICE?
It’s something to think about. Do you listen? Do you form opinions about some people and advise them in most interactions while not behaving that way with others?
Does this mean you respect one and not the other?
Are you satisfied with your social life? Do you have "fake", "toxic" friends? Do you have friends (or family) who affect you in a negative way? I did!
I went on a "relationship fast" and that brought me awareness about the quality of my friendships and how either I contributed to their lives or vice versa. It was like an elimination diet, I slowly allowed them back in and my intuition and awareness was amazing.
Here's the deal:
I had to get myself out of that hole and not just escape but also regain myself. Because the worst part of these toxic relationships is that you end up losing yourself in them.
It’s not easy but it’s doable. You may feel alone right now. Or stuck. But I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT.
I want you to open your eyes and practice the tools I’ve created in my How to Remove Toxic People from Your Life. I promise. It will set your SOUL FREE.
I created a guide on releasing the toxic relationships in your life so you can finally achieve your goals and succeed in life.
I created it because I experienced the effects of toxic people in my life. And I don’t wish that pain on anyone.
Sister, the truth of the matter is, that you have to implement, activate and take action. No one else can do this for you. But I have tools that will empower you to take action.
I became a coach to not only make you the best version of you but also to empower you!
Are you ready to LOVE ON YOUR LIFE & HEALTH?
Kelly is a Certified Nutrition & Wellness Coach, Holistic Wellness Practitioner and Certified Crystal Healer and is here to help you feel comfortable in your body and find your groove through a body positive outlook and making permanent changes in your health, weight and life! Yes, it's possible to be body positive and also release the weight, depression, anxiety and unhealthy habits to feel confident, healthy and fabulous!
She lives in Richmond Va. with her teen daughter, has the most awesome 23 year old son, cuddly pitbull and magical black cat.